SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror Read online

  Just as I walk inside, Stu takes my hand, stopping me. “You know, I’m really glad you ended up being on the list.”

  My smile softens. “Me too, Stu. Me too.”

  I make my way inside, hiding in a corner. I pull out my cell to text Tina who couldn’t be here tonight but is instead at the club she and Nik own downtown, The White Rabbit.

  Me: I’m freaking out, dude!

  Tina: Relax, Max! You’re offering yourself up on a platter to a man who loves you. You’re going to be fine!

  She is not wrong. Bastien does love me. And he loves freaky time with me.

  What am I worried about?

  Me: Okay. You’re right. I’m going in! Wish me luck x

  I laugh at her response.

  Tina: Luck!!! Knock his penis dead! X

  Everything is going to plan. Bastien is on a break, now I just have to find him. I approach the bar to find my favourite bar bitch there, a young, tattooed Asian woman named Lana. I wave enthusiastically and she motions me over. “Happy anniversary, Em. He’s in the first bunk. I’m sure it’ll be locked so I asked Tina to get me this.” She pulls out a key and hands it to me.

  I look up at her in awe. “You’re amazing. Like a female, Asian double-oh-seven.”

  She tilts her head, brows bunched. “Surprising as hell but it’s not the first time I’ve been called that.”

  “You’re awesome, lady. Thank you so much. I don’t think I could’ve done this without all your help.”

  She smiles softly. “You’re welcome. It’s nice to see Bastien smile.”

  I wave as I walk over to the ‘staff only’ side doors. I’ve been in the back many a time, whether it was just to see my man or to have a short break from the blaring music when I’ve had a headache. Thankfully, I know where the first bunk is. The bunks are rooms that aren’t really rooms at all. They’re the size of a small walk-in closet.

  The first bunk is a rest area with a cot in it. The second bunk an almost identical rest area with a TV inside.

  As I approach the first bunk, I slowly test the handle and just as Lana predicted, the door is locked. Stepping back, I take in a deep breath, calming myself in order to seduce my husband.

  I’m ready.

  Sliding the key in, I unlock the door, step in and close the door behind me. “Happy Anniversary, baby.”

  I slide the trench coat down my back and onto the floor.

  When I lift my head, my breath leaves me in a whoosh.

  There stands Bastien, wide eyes on me, mouth attached to another man’s neck.

  This can’t be what it looks like. Surely there’s an explanation for this.

  I blink. Bastien has still to remove his mouth from the unknown man’s neck. I blink some more. “You- are you- I don’t understand. You-” My voice weakens to a hush. “You like men?”

  With eyes so green they near glow, he finally detaches himself from the man, panting. “Em, baby, what are you doing here?”

  The man my husband is cheating on me with simply stands there, looking like a droid. I look into his empty eyes but answer my husband. “I came to surprise you with dirty anniversary sex. I don’t understand, Bastien. I thought we were happy.”

  He steps around the man and moves closer to me. “We are happy. I’m happy. I had no idea you were coming here.” His eyes flash as he fixates on my barely there lingerie. He swallows hard, “Jesus, Em. You’re fucking gorgeous.”

  The bridge of my nose tingles. I lean down to pick up my coat, wrapping it around me. A single tear falls down my cheek. “How long has this been going on?”

  He takes a step closer, reaching out for me. “I swear this is not what it looked like. I can explain.”

  I look into his eyes. He doesn’t look embarrassed or caught out, just tired. Bastien has never given me a reason to question him before. Why should I start now?

  “Okay, so explain.” The unknown man still unmoved, I ask quietly, “Is he okay?”

  Bastien looks back. “Shit. Hold on, babe. Let me take care of him.”

  Take care of him?

  I rush forward, grip his shirt and whisper hiss, “You are not going to kill him!”

  Bastien rolls his eyes at me before turning to the man, looking into his eyes and speaking in a firm but neutral tone. “You were a great help.”

  The man responds a robotic. “I was a great help.”

  Bastien tells him, “You should go home and get some rest.”

  The man nods slowly. “I should go home and get some rest.”

  Bastien helps the man to the door, uttering his agreement. “You should, man. Thank you.”

  The man responds. “You’re welcome,” then putters down the hall and out of sight.

  Looking around, Bastien closes the door behind him, locking it and leaning against it. “Shit, Em, I’m sorry. I ruined our anniversary.”

  Why isn’t he acting like he’s done something wrong? What the heck is going on?

  He steps forward, directly under the down light. “I’ve been meaning to tell you. I have. But I-”

  Red at the corner of his lip has me stepping forward. “Honey, you’re bleeding.”

  Bastien swipes at his lips, looking down at the blood smeared across his fingers. He looks me in the eye before responding carefully. “It’s not mine.”

  Confusion mars my face. “Were you-” I shake my head. “Did you bite him?”

  He swallows hard then looks away. He shrugs lightly. “A man’s gotta eat.”

  I force a harsh laugh at the statement. “That’s crazy! What are you saying? That you’re a vampire or something?”

  I expect him to laugh and deny it. I expect him to react. But he does nothing. Just stares at me with an expression I’ve never seen Bastien wear.

  For the first time since I’ve known him, Bastien looks afraid. “I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

  He can’t be serious.

  Suddenly, I’m pissed. “You seriously want me to believe that bullshit?” I roll my eyes as I tighten the belt on my coat. “I don’t care if you have issues. We can work through anything. I love you enough to let you explain what I saw happening here instead of running off into the night and dumping all your stuff out into the street, and that’s what you go with?”

  Running his hands down his face, he lifts a hand to scratch at his head. “I know it’s hard to believe but if you’d just listen-”

  Now I’m not even pissed at him. I’m just pissed at myself. I start lecturing myself. “Fuck a duck! You know when they say a guy is too good to be true, they aren’t kidding. He’s got it all. The looks, a heart of gold, he loves me to the ends of the earth, but wait! He’s bat-shit crazy. Of course, he is! That’s life, doll.”

  Pushing passed Bastien, I unlock the door and walk out, clomping my heels as I go.

  “Emma, honey! Wait! I can explain!”

  Unshed tears sting my eyes. I sniffle as I make my way out the door and onto the street, hailing a taxi. I manage to get one in seconds and in less than ten minutes, I’m home again.

  I don’t allow myself to cry until I reach the deserted elevators. As soon as the doors close, I let my tears fall freely.

  I love Bastien, but it’s obvious that he needs help. He’s clearly delusional. Regardless of that fact, he is my husband and I will do whatever it takes to see him well again. I love him. He’s everything to me.

  The elevator door opens and I swipe away stray tears.

  I unlock my apartment door, step inside and switch on the light.

  “I’ve been meaning to tell you, Em.”

  Spinning around, I hold a hand to my now-heaving chest and stare wide eyed at Bastien, sitting on his manly armchair.

  How the hell? “How did you get here so quick?”

  Instead of answering me, he stands and steps closer to me. “It’s not like it makes me a different person or anything. I can’t help being this way. Believe me, I’ve tried. I tried to tell you before the wedding,” he sighs, “but you looked so damn b
eautiful and I didn’t want to ruin our day with my bullshit, so I thought I’d wait till we got home. But then we got home and every time I tried to do it, I bit my tongue because,” his voice turns quiet, “because I didn’t want to lose you.”

  He really believes this.

  What am I supposed to do here?

  I do the only thing I can think of. I play along.

  I take a step closer to him, holding my hand out. “It’s okay, honey. You won’t lose me. I love you.”

  Placing his hand in mine, he pulls me closer to him, wrapping me in a bear hug. He sighs in relief. “Oh shit. I was so fucking scared when you walked in on me feeding. I thought you’d run screaming but I knew deep inside that if I just got to talk to you, you’d understand.” He pauses a moment. “We were meant to be, Em. You’re my soul mate.”

  My mind singsongs, “Psycho.”

  I rub his back. “Of course I get it. And we are meant to be. Come Monday, we’re going to talk to someone about this. We’ll make sure the vampires never bother you again.”

  His body stills. He pulls away from me. “You think I’m crazy.”

  I shake my head emphatically. “No, I don’t. I think you’re a good man. My good man. A good man who sees vampires.”

  He rubs the back of his neck in restlessness. “I’m not fucking crazy, Em!”

  I shush him. “I know, honey. I know. But we’re still going to see the good Docto-”

  That’s when Bastien jumps.

  He jumps high enough to touch the ceiling. In fact, he does touch the ceiling.

  And he doesn’t come down.

  Glaring down at me, he calls out to me. “There? Believe me now? I’m not crazy, Em.”

  Staring up at him, mouth gaping, I pull out a chair from the dining table and sit. I can’t think right now. I don’t believe what I’m seeing.

  Maybe Bastien is right.

  He’s not crazy.

  I am.

  My gaze falls to the floor. I stare down at my pumps.

  A hand on my shoulder lifts me from my many thoughts. “Em? Honey? Talk to me.”

  I swallow hard, blinking up at him. “I need help, Bas. I’m going crazy.”

  He chuckles humorlessly then talks to himself. “Tell her, they said. She’ll understand, they said.”

  I’m suddenly parched. “I need water.”

  Bastien disappears from my side. In less than a blink of an eye, he’s by my side, holding a full glass of water.

  Jumping back, the chair topples behind me. “How- how are you doing that?”

  Holding his hands out in a placating gesture, he places the water on the table and steps towards me. “Baby, I know this is hard to understand, and I promise I will answer any questions you want answers to, but you were right the first time.” He breathes in deep and utters on an exhale. “I’m a vampire.”

  Oh yeah. I’ve gone bananas.

  I mutter under my breath. “Right, right. Okay.”

  He lifts the fallen chair and sits me down. He takes a seat across from me. “Ask me anything.”

  My first question is dumb. In my defense, I believe myself to be borderline high at this point in time. “Are you going to kill me?”

  His face screws up as he hollers, “What? No, I’m not going to kill you, Em. Shit! I love you!”

  I nod. “Okay. That’s good.”

  Taking my hand in his, he holds it tight and vows, “I will never hurt you. Never. I’m still the same guy.”

  The same guy. Just now he drinks blood.

  The second question comes easier. “So you drink blood?”

  He seems relieved by this question and answers immediately, “Yes. I don’t need it often but I still need it at least once a month to replace my lack of red blood cells.”

  “Did that man know what you were doing to him?”

  He shakes his head. “No. Vampires can hypnotize a person before feeding. It’s easier this way. It’s cleaner and faster.”

  Okay. “Did you hurt him?”

  His eyes soften, as does his tone. “No, baby. I release venom into the bloodstream that acts as an anesthetic. He didn’t feel a thing, and I never take too much.”

  I’m not sure I want to ask, but curiosity gets the better of me. “Have you ever fed from me?”

  His hand squeezes mine. “Never. I would never do that to you. Never without permission.”

  I think about all the vampire lore I’ve read about. “Are you going to live forever?”

  He sniffs a laugh. “No, baby. Immortality is a choice. When I met you, I gave it up.”

  Confused much? “How?”

  He explains in perfect calm, “I can slow down the aging process by feeding every day. And I did feed every day for a while but when I met you, I made the decision to stop feeding and start aging again.” He smiles down at me lovingly, “Why would I want to live without you?”

  My heart warms as I get a glimpse of my Bastien. Pre-vampire Bastien, that is.

  I blurt out, “That’s so sweet. I think. In a creepy I don’t know what’s going on way, I guess.” I stand and begin to pace. “But you eat food. We eat together all the time.”

  He nods. “I do eat food but my venom dissolves it into nothing.” He looks me in the eye. “If you’ll give me a minute, I’ll explain all the things I think you’ll want to ask.”

  Pausing mid-step, I look my husband in the eye and whisper, “You’re not joking, are you?”

  He softly shakes his head. It’s then that I realize my life has suddenly changed in a big way.

  Bastien Lee – my husband, my lover, and my best friend – is a vampire.

  More of the Story

  And the world still turns

  He watches me closely then asks carefully, “Are you going to freak out?”

  I lift my head in thought. I think hard about this.

  Has Bastien given me a real reason to freak out?

  No. He hasn’t.

  He’s been patient and calm regardless of my treating him like a leper slash nutcase.

  Body slumping, I slowly walk over to him till we’re almost toe-to-toe. I look up into his bright green eyes and reach up to cup his cheek. “No. I don’t think so. But you’re going to tell me why I shouldn’t have to, right?”

  His eyes close, he lifts his hand to hold mine in place on his cheek and responds roughly, “Whatever you want, baby.”

  Taking his hand in mine, I lead us over to the sofa. He sits and pulls me down with him. Sprawled over his lap, I turn to the side so I can look at his face while he speaks. “I never planned on meeting a girl. It was too hard what with my… condition. I didn’t count on meeting you.” He kisses my knuckles. “I don’t know any other woman who would be completely fine with not being able to see her boyfriend during the day. I’ve dated before. They all thought I was cheating on them. I couldn’t tell them I had to sleep. As in, had to. They’d think I was a freak. But you just accepted it, like it was nothing.”

  I’m confused. “Does your family know?”

  He smiles. “Yeah, Em. They’re like me too.” His smile turns to a grin. “We all got turned on the same night.”

  My mouth gapes. “No way. They all look so nor-” I spot the ginormous grin on his face and fade out. “What I mean to say is that I never would’ve been able to te-”

  His rough chuckle slides over me. “Go on, you can say it. We all look so normal.” He nods, “We know. That’s kind of the point.”

  Holy shit.

  Holy shit!

  This is real. I have a real live vampire in my house.

  Oh my God. I’ve been having sex with a vampire!

  Is that why it’s been so good?

  I have to dig further. “Whoa, wait! Do you have some sexual voodoo going on? Is that why the sex is so good? Because, if so, I’m not complaining.”

  He tips his head back and laughs. “No, Em. That’s just you and me. Believe me, I wish I could take credit. It’s just what you do to me.”

  A smile pl
ays at my lips. “So what of the stories? Are they fact or myth? Super speed is obviously a tick but what about the other stuff. I didn’t know you could do the Spider-Man thing.”

  He sighs softly. “A lot of the stories aren’t true. In fact, it’s been rumoured that vampires started the stories to throw people off. As you know, I have a reflection. Holy water is just water to me. Hell, I’m catholic. I’m not evil. I eat and drink but don’t actually go to the toilet. I-”

  I cut him off in protest, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! What the heck do you do in the bathroom when you go in there? Sometimes you take forever!”

  He grins sheepishly. “Um. Candy Crush.”

  A surprised laugh bursts out of me. “Oh my God, that is funny!” I chuckle to myself and prompt him. “Okay, sorry. Tell me more.”

  “Yes, we have super speed. I can walk up walls but that is a trait only I have. Mom can move things with her mind. Dad can fly.” Holy cow! “We have extremely sensitive hearing and-”

  My stomach coils as my eyes almost pop out of my head. I jump up off the sofa and cover my mouth with my hand. “Oh no.”

  A look of alarm crosses Bastien’s face. “What is it, Em?”

  “Have you-” Oh God, I don’t want to ask but I have to know. I just have to! I whisper in horror, “Have you ever heard me fart?”

  He winces.

  I gasp as my face heats. “Oh my God, you have. This isn’t happening!”

  Bastien has the gall the smile. “Honey, you just found out I’m a vampire. And this is your main concern?”

  I sit on the edge of the sofa, face drawn. I talk to myself. “I’m no longer the perfect wife. Perfect wives don’t fart.”

  He takes my hand in his. “You are, Em. You are perfect to me.”

  I am so sad right now.

  This is my life, people.

  Bastien suddenly stands. “You want me to fart? ‘Cause I’ll do it. Right here, right now. I’ll tear a goddamn hole in my slacks if you want me to, princess!”

  I mumble a flat, “I’ve never heard you fart.” A thoughtful look crosses my face. “Can you fart?”

  He tilts his head in thought. “I don’t even know. I think dust might come out of me.”